Just For Laughs
Special High Intensity Training
Murphy's Observations on Combat
The TRUE Story of Creation
US Army Voice Mail
The English Language
Reducing the Budget
25 Signs Your a Grown-up
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Special High Intensity Training
IN ORDER TO ASSURE THAT WE CONTINUE TO PRODUCE THE HIGHEST QUALITY WORK POSSIBLE, IT WILL BE OUR POLICY TO KEEP ALL EMPLOYEES WELL TRAINED THROUGH OUR NEW PROGRAM OF SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING. (S.H.I.T.)
WE ARE GIVING OUR EMPLOYEES MORE S.H.I.T. THAN ANY OTHER OFFICE IN THE GOVERNMENT SERVICE.
IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU SO NOT RECEIVE YOUR SHARE OF S.H.I.T. ON THE JOB, PLEASE SEE YOUR SUPERVISOR. YOU WILL BE PLACED ON THE TOP OF THE S.H.I.T. LIST FOR SPECIAL ATTENTION.
ALL OF OUR SUPERVISORS ARE PARTICULARLY QUALIFIED TO SEE THAT YOU GET ALL THE S.H.I.T. YOU CAN HANDLE.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE TRAINED TO THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF S.H.I.T., YOU MAY BE INTERESTED IN HELPING US TO TRAIN OTHERS. WE CAN ADD YOU TO OUR BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING. (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.) PROGRAM.
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
P.S. WITH THE PERSONALITY SOME OF YOU DISPLAY AROUND HERE, YOU COULD EASILY BECOME THE DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING. (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.)
IF YOU HAVE ANY FURTHER QUESTIONS, PLEASE ADDRESS THEM TO OUR HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING. (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.)
ALL DUMB SHITS WHO ARE WILLING TO JOIN THIS PROGRAM, PLEASE SIGN BELOW:
MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMBAT
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous it draws fire.
4. There is always a way.
5. The easy way is always mined.
6. Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.
7. Professionals are predictable; it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
A. When you're ready for them.
B. When you're not ready for them.
9. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
10. If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.
11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
14. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
15. Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing.
16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you will not be able to get out.
17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.
19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
20. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
21. The blast radius of a grenade is always greater than the distance you can jump.
22. The blast radius of a grenade is greater than the distance the average grunt can throw it.
23. When in doubt; shoot it.
24. If you are still in doubt; empty the magazine.
25. If at first you don't succeed, call in the artillery.
26. And if that doesn't work call for an air strike.
27. Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target.
28. And that round will be the dud.
29. Because of this your mortar team will always have the correct number of safety pins to prove they armed all the rounds.
30. To ensure this, the team always carries extra pins.
31. Tracer works both ways.
32. If orders can be misunderstood; they have been.
33. The quartermaster has only has two sizes, too big and too small.
The TRUE story of Creation...
In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth.
And the Earth was without form, and
void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And so God created Man in His own image; as male and female.
And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And God said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God populated the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And so the Devil created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.
And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained five pounds.
And so God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure
But the Devil brought forth chocolate.
And Woman gained five pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the Devil brought forth Ben and
And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "Why doth thou eatest
I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
But the Devil brought forth chicken
fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And so God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV
with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between
ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And so God brought forth the potato, a
vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And the Devil saw and said, "This
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance.
So God showed Woman how to peel he skin off chicken and cook nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light beer.
Now Man could poison his body, while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.
And Man gained another 10 pounds.
And Woman ventured forth Into the land
of Godiva chocolate.
And upon returning asked Man, "Do I look fat?" And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth."
And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of Man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, East of the marriage counselor.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this"
The "New" U.S. Army VOICE MAIL System -
Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, marching up and down the streets of Washington, DC, and compulsory "Consideration Of Others" training, we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers:
If your crisis is small, and close to the sea,PRESS 1 for the United
If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs, pleasePRESS 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.
If your inquiry concerns a situation, which can be resolved by a bit of gray funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served basis.
If your inquiry is not urgent, pleasePRESS 3 for the Rapid Deployment
If you are in real hot trouble, pleasePRESS 4, and your call will be routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified.
If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your ass off daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both day and night, and whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter, passed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the Post Office.
Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army.
Reasons why the English
language is hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought
it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
The Leading Carriers of Aids!
Monetary aid to their children!
The Golden years have come at last!
I cannot see, I cannot pee, I cannot chew, I cannot screw,
My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks, no sense of smell,
I look like Hell.
My body’s drooping, got trouble pooping.
SO, THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST?
WELL THE GOLDEN YEARS CAN KISS MY ASS!
Reducing the Budget
A different approach to solving the military budget problem. Target, Inc. need not apply for this program.
Below are some words that have no punctuation. How would you add the punctuation?
- woman without her man is nothing -
Click here to see how the average male and female adds the punctuation
Top 25 Signs
that you've already grown up:
1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Fooling around in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie = the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff,'
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni and cheese, diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.
23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm not going to drink that much again."
24. Over 90% of your computer time is for real work.
25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar
The average male punctuates the words:
"Woman, without her man , is nothing"
The average female punctuates the words:
"Woman! Without her, man is nothing"